SJ Four Months

Sleep:

The regression is REAL my friends...  things were great, we were sleeping mostly all night, down between 8:30-9pm up at 3-4am to eat and then back down until 9:30am with 3 naps throughout the day. We hit 4 months, things were still pretty great (although being in California DEFINITELY screwed with bedtime) and then we got home, the routine started to be good and BAM! regression. I thought we were the lucky ones, I thought it was a myth, but BOY OH BOY was I wrong... he's still down between 8:30-9 however now he's up at 11, 2, 4:30, and 6 am ready to take on the day... sorry babes but mama cannot function at 6 am without 300 cups of coffee, and lord knows that's not going to happen... so depending on the day, we move to the couch between 4:30 and 6, I turn on octonauts, he snuggles up and we he watches while I try to catch another hour of very half awake sleep. Please tell me it gets better... PLEASE?!

Eat:

We have started baby food! He absolutely loves it, he still hasn't grasped the whole tongue thrusting yet however it combines two of his favorite things.. making messes and eating. So far his favorites are apples and bananas. He is not so much a fan of carrots but they say it takes 11 yes ELEVEN times of trying something for a child to actually decide if they like it or not. He is still breastfeeding (when able) and is also still supplementing with formula (more to come on that in another post) with him growing it's just getting harder and harder for my body to produce enough to for our little fatty to be satisfied, and that's okay... as long as he is healthy and eating I'm just fine with it. 

Development:

SJ had his 4 month appointment and is currently weighing in at 15 pounds and 26 inches long. He's in size 2 diapers and in 3-6 month clothes. He can roll from back to belly and belly to back and thinks it's the bees knees. He also has discovered his vocal chords and the fact he has a large range of noise he can make, I swear his new favorite thing is to sit in his racecar and squeal. It's adorable most all of the time. I just can't get over how strong and big he is getting with each passing day. 

Dear SJ:

To my sweet, energetic, happy, loving baby boy.. your personality is shining through and your demeanor is nothing short of loving. Some days you want to play independently and other days all you want is your mama, and although sometimes all I want is a second alone I really do cherish those days, because they are fleeting. One day you'll wake up and not want the kisses, the snuggles, or the baby talk. That day will break my heart in two, but I know it'll come. So for now I'll enjoy your slobbery kisses, your laughter, and your squeals that hurt even rambos ears. I know I say it all the time, but every day it rings more true... you are my whole world little bear, it begins and ends with you and your happiness. I wish nothing but love and success for you in all your adventures and one day when you look back I truly hope you know mommy tried. I tried my hardest to stay calm, to keep you happy, healthy, and most of all loved. You have been my biggest accomplishment and the biggest blessing in my whole life. Always be a pineapple, stand tall, and be sweet on the inside my little love. 

4 month photo dump:

Until next time,

It's okay to not be okay...

I've wanted to write about this subject for weeks now, but haven't figured out just what I wanted to say... or how to say it. I've used this blog as my outlet, my safe place to get out all of my thoughts and feelings without caring about who reads it. Here goes nothing... 

I've suffered from Postpartum Depression and Anxiety. It's such a taboo subject I feel like no one talks about it. I feel everyone just thinks they have to be okay, that they have to be strong for their spouses, their children, their friends. I never knew how many people actually struggle with it in some form, I also never knew how many people DON'T SAY ANYTHING... to anyone, even their doctors. But I was that person, I was ashamed of how I was feeling, so at my 6 week visit when we did the "worksheet" I lied. I thought to myself "it's just because you're a new mom, you are still adjusting, it'll get better once you've gotten used to it." I checked all the boxes you're supposed to check, I said all the right things, and I was on my way.

 I've written about my mental health before so it was not a huge surprise to me that I ended up with PPD. However, what PPD has done to my head is something completely new. I'm not the person I used to be, my personality is different, my rationalization is different, my emotions are all over the place. I'm told it'll pass, that it'll get easier and things will go back to normal... but I don't see any changes. I knew I needed to get help and on medication after night 5-6 of complete shut down. Cameron would get home from work, I would hand him the baby, make dinner, do dishes, and the thought of having to be "mom" would make me sick. I wouldn't talk, I wouldn't do anything but sit and cry. 

I haven't had thoughts of hurting myself or anyone else, and that's what I thought PPD was... I thought it was those moms who drown their babies, or drive off bridges with their families in the car, and I wasn't in that mindset at all. I was just hopeless. I have been in low places before but I've never felt continually hopeless, like there was no way things could get better, no way I could be happy again. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to do anything but sleep and cry. The only reason anything got done at all was because I knew my baby boy needed me, he needed his mom to get out of bed and go on. It was the hardest internal fight I've ever had. 

Cameron has been home 12 days, and I'm pretty sure I've cried all but 2 of them... I've accused him of having an affair (which I know isn't the case, but my brain works in mysterious ways) I've thought he was going to ship me to California alone because he didn't love me anymore, I've thought that he was going to divorce me because of my stretch marks. I have felt completely insane, I'm sure he thinks I'm completely insane.. But I'm working on getting myself help and becoming better. For him, myself, and most importantly for SJ. I'm confident that with all the steps  I am taking, and time I can get back to my old self and my relationship can get back to where it was before he left. 

Until Next time, 

317 days

317 is the number of nights away from home, the number of mornings we didn't wake up next to each other, but most important is that the number will not get any larger because MY HUSBAND IS HOME!!  I can't believe it's finally over. A year ago I decided to start this blog as a way to be creative while Cameron was in Iraq. It ended up being more a outlet for my pregnancy with SJ and a way to keep my mind clear while I was alone and my goodness did it help. There were even times I wrote posts and never published them (they were so scatterbrained and mostly just bullet points), just because it was nice to get all my thoughts out. 

I learned his homecoming date back in October and it was SO hard not to scream it from the rooftops that he was coming home... not only that, but he would be coming home the DAY BEFORE my birthday. Talk about a great gift. 

On the 3rd of November, the FRG put together a party and we got to make signs for our soldiers and that is when it really hit me that soon enough I wouldn't be along anymore. I carried on with my life as normal but counted down the days until he was back under the same roof with us. 

On the morning of the 18th SJ and I got up and finished cleaning up the house and making room for Cameron's things. I had really gotten used to having a whole closet to myself... we were tracking that they would be arriving at 4pm that day and we were taking our time with getting ready. Then I got a call from Cameron letting me know they were getting on a plane, I think that's when it really hit me that he was going to be in my arms THAT DAY! I got SJ dressed and put him down for his nap. He slept the ENTIRE time I got ready and actually allowed me to look decent. Team work! 

We left the house at 2 to head to the airport, my dad was following the flight online and when I called him from the road he informed me that the flight was AN HOUR EARLY! I was freaking out, thinking that there was no way we were going to get there, parked, and signs set up in time for them to land. We pulled into the base around 3 and lucky for us we had made it on time. We walked into the hangar and were greeted by friends and their families all waiting for the arrival of their loved ones. Looking at everyone and seeing the joy and excitement on their faces was the most amazing feeling. We were all there for the same reason, to make our families whole again. 

The doors to the hangar opened and we all funneled outside to see the plane on the flight path coming in to land. Screams, tears, and excitement filled the air and little feet ran around holding their signs waiting for moms, dads, uncles, aunts, etc to come walking off the plane and into their arms. Once the plane landed you could see the excitement of soldiers looking for their families through the windows. The second they started coming down the stairs everyone dispersed and went running into the arms of their heroes, back after 11 months. 

We were no exception, I watched Cameron get off the plane and when he got into the crowd he was lost for a moment. Once he found us he wrapped his arms around both SJ and I and we both started crying. There is no better feeling than welcoming home your soldier for the final time, knowing they are home to stay. 

That was 4 days ago, it has been a little weird getting back into the swing of things as a family. I'm still used to doing it all on my own I have to remember to step back and NOT micro manage him. It will take some getting used to and learning how to live together again, but for now I will just revel in the fact that we are a family again. 

SJ Two Months

Sleep:

Crib training will be the death of me I swear... it takes about two hours to actually get him to fall asleep, and he only sleeps in his crib if I put the contoured changing pad in there for him to sleep on. Once I think I have it he's awake in an hour, two hours tops. Then it starts the whole cycle all over. But I refuse to give up.. I mean it has to get easier right? He hates naps and basically only gets 3 hours of nap time during the entire day, and that's broken up into half hour chunks throughout the day.

Development:

He will copy my sounds and thinks it's the funniest thing when I pretend to eat his toes. He still hasn't gotten the whole laughing thing down but he makes lots of sounds and smiles all the time!

Eat:

He has slowed down on the eating which means I'm not CONSTANTLY hanging out (literally) with a baby on my boob. So that's fine by me.

SJ,

I can't believe you're getting so big! I swear I wake up some days and it's like I'm looking at a whole new person. You're so smart and fun to play with. Even when you're screaming, I look at you and you smile at me with that grin that takes up your whole face and all the frustration melts away. I can't wait until your daddy gets home and gets to know you, your snuggles are my favorite thing so much so that when I put you in your crib and you finally fall asleep I find myself missing you. I can't wait to see who you become as the next chapter of your life begins, there's never a dull moment being your momma. Here's to more milestones and excitement!

2 Month Photo Dump:

Until Next Time,