It's okay to not be okay...

I've wanted to write about this subject for weeks now, but haven't figured out just what I wanted to say... or how to say it. I've used this blog as my outlet, my safe place to get out all of my thoughts and feelings without caring about who reads it. Here goes nothing... 

I've suffered from Postpartum Depression and Anxiety. It's such a taboo subject I feel like no one talks about it. I feel everyone just thinks they have to be okay, that they have to be strong for their spouses, their children, their friends. I never knew how many people actually struggle with it in some form, I also never knew how many people DON'T SAY ANYTHING... to anyone, even their doctors. But I was that person, I was ashamed of how I was feeling, so at my 6 week visit when we did the "worksheet" I lied. I thought to myself "it's just because you're a new mom, you are still adjusting, it'll get better once you've gotten used to it." I checked all the boxes you're supposed to check, I said all the right things, and I was on my way.

 I've written about my mental health before so it was not a huge surprise to me that I ended up with PPD. However, what PPD has done to my head is something completely new. I'm not the person I used to be, my personality is different, my rationalization is different, my emotions are all over the place. I'm told it'll pass, that it'll get easier and things will go back to normal... but I don't see any changes. I knew I needed to get help and on medication after night 5-6 of complete shut down. Cameron would get home from work, I would hand him the baby, make dinner, do dishes, and the thought of having to be "mom" would make me sick. I wouldn't talk, I wouldn't do anything but sit and cry. 

I haven't had thoughts of hurting myself or anyone else, and that's what I thought PPD was... I thought it was those moms who drown their babies, or drive off bridges with their families in the car, and I wasn't in that mindset at all. I was just hopeless. I have been in low places before but I've never felt continually hopeless, like there was no way things could get better, no way I could be happy again. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to do anything but sleep and cry. The only reason anything got done at all was because I knew my baby boy needed me, he needed his mom to get out of bed and go on. It was the hardest internal fight I've ever had. 

Cameron has been home 12 days, and I'm pretty sure I've cried all but 2 of them... I've accused him of having an affair (which I know isn't the case, but my brain works in mysterious ways) I've thought he was going to ship me to California alone because he didn't love me anymore, I've thought that he was going to divorce me because of my stretch marks. I have felt completely insane, I'm sure he thinks I'm completely insane.. But I'm working on getting myself help and becoming better. For him, myself, and most importantly for SJ. I'm confident that with all the steps  I am taking, and time I can get back to my old self and my relationship can get back to where it was before he left. 

Until Next time, 

30 Week Dr. Visit, questions to ask before delivery

Oh my goodness gracious you guys... we are down to the single digit countdown! 9 more weeks.. which means only NINE more bump posts! I swear, these posts feel like they come so quickly it's starting to make me real anxious that our little babe will be here before we even know it. I keep thinking "oh, I have time to get this done" but in reality... I DON'T! I've officially become a nesting MONSTER! I swear all I do is clean, and even after I clean, it doesn't look good enough. Mostly because it doesn't look like my house came straight out of a pinterest post... shocking.  I had my 30 week appointment today and I FINALLY asked questions! I know I've been to so many appointments, how have I not asked questions? Well, I fully intend to but being the hugely anxious person that I am I don't want to make my OB run late to her other appointments or think I'm asking these questions too early so I have just kept my mouth shut... well not this time! I even compiled a list of what I needed to ask so that I didn't take up too much time trying to remember AND so I didn't miss anything.

• Breast feeding/breast pump: Most insurances will cover the cost of a breast pump, that's right guys you could get a FREE pump! Why spend $150+ on a pump when you could get one through your insurance? Call your insurance and check with them to make sure it is a part of the plan they offer, then have your doctor write you a prescription! Simple and cost effective!
• Anesthesia Options:  I wanted to know what the standard for anesthesia was. Epidural? Spinal? Combined Spinal Epidural? Since my car accident in 2011 left my hips and pelvis pretty messed up I am having a planned C-Section and it has been very important for me to do ALL my research. The OB I am working with chooses to do a Spinal making it easier on the baby and myself. But talk to your doctor about what is best for you!
• Who can be with you at birth? Once again, with having a C-Section the OR is a very sterile and secluded place therefore the amount of people allowed with you is limited. Only Cameron is allowed in the room with me, which makes me a little sad that my mom wont be in there but I know she will be right outside waiting. 
• Can you have skin to skin in the OR? This is VERY important to me. Skin to skin means so much to me, just because you are having a C-section don't think that this is not an option. I expected that once the little man is out, they will let me say hi and then take him on his merry way to the nursery, not the case. They will show me my sweet man, then get him all cleaned up and weighed, hand him to Cameron and they BOTH get to stay with me all the way through. It makes me so much more comfortable to know that he will be in my sight and with me the whole time.
• Can photos be taken? Another very important thing for me, I have documented so much of this pregnancy I was really hoping that we would be able to take pictures of the first time we meet our babe. She said photos are perfectly acceptable, however video is not. 
• What postpartum pain management is available? I wanted to make sure that A) I wasn't going to be in too much pain to enjoy our first few days as a family B) wasn't too messed up in the noggin to take care of my baby the way that needed to be done. 
• When can I start breastfeeding? I would strongly prefer that SJ doesn't get a bottle, like at all.. for the first few weeks and it is VERY important for me to breast feed, so I wanted to make sure that the spinal wasn't going to hinder my ability to do so, nor was the pain medication that is given to me. She said unless there is a problem at birth and he needs to be taken to the nursery, I can breastfeed as soon as we are done with surgery. 

So those are the few questions I asked THIS TIME around, I'm sure there will be more in the next two weeks. I'm just unbelievably excited for my sweet babe to be here. I can't believe in 3 weeks I start my childcare classes and those will go pretty much up until the week I deliver. Hopefully soon enough I will have things all done and fixed up for the little guys arrival! 

Decisions, completions, 100 day countdown

Hello all my loyal followers (yes mom, I'm talking to you) how kind of you to be here, reading this when you could be out gardening (; 

I'd say I will be quick BUT we all know I'm a talker... and by talker I mean rambler. I have about a million thoughts on my mind tonight so we will try and weed through the nonsense but I make no promises. 

SO here we are, 13 weeks and 3 days from my due date, 94 days until my little man arrives... which means BUM BUM BUMMMMMM 3rd trimester is just around the corner. With that being the case I realize just how LITTLE time I actually have left. I have so many overwhelming thoughts of what needs to be done for his arrival. However, I have quite a bit finished as well. 

Finished:
1. Nursery decorations except gallery wall (need pictures of him once he's here to finish it) so i'll put it on the list as done

2. Changing pad/bedding washed and ready

3. Laundry- EVERY sock, blanket, towel, onesie, and outfit little man owns is washed, hung/folded, and put away

Need to complete:
1. Cleaning out the guest/baby bathroom and putting all his gadgets and toiletries away

2. DEEP clean the house. I'm talking EVERYTHING needs to be clean

3. Schedule C-Section date (which I do believe is at my next appointment)

4. Come up with birth plan 

5. Pack hospital bags

6. Utah baby shower

7. Enjoy the final months of me time and sleep


I'm sure there is still so much more I need to do, but alas pregnancy brain works in mysterious ways. I swear I have a huge list in my head RIGHT before I go to the doctors office but as soon as she asks me if I have any questions.. I just stare at her blankly and say "Nope."  SUPER obnoxious. 

The thing that confuses me the most on my "Need to complete" list is the birth plan.. How am I supposed to make a birth plan when I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing with this whole, have a human come out of you thing. 

Also, Cameron hasn't decided if he's going to come home for the birth or not and wants to "wait until it's closer" to decide. I swear every time I talk to him, his answer is different.. So I need to not only make one, but two birth plans for what I need to happen if he is here or if he is gone. Obviously if he's gone than my mom will be in the OR and HOPEFULLY they will allow Cameron to meet our little dude with me via Skype. Also, are birth photographers allowed in the room? Because I think that would be super duper if I could get the moments documented forever ESPECIALLY if Cameron chooses to stay where he's at. 

So many what ifs... so many decisions... so many things that still need to be done. I swear I'm not always a basket case and full of so many anxiety causing issues. However, I will stress, worry, and rip my hair out for the next 94 days until my little man is here and my world is just a little more at peace. 

Until next time,

Missing you is hard, loving you is easy

"What I have with him is worth it. It is worth every lonely night, every tear I cry from missing him, and the pain I feel from not having him close. It is worth it because he is my one and only. When I picture myself years from now, I see only him. No matter how painful distance can be, not having him in my life would be worse."

Everyone will tell you the same thing, it comes in waves. Some times it's manageable to survive the day with smiles and dare I say "ease." Other days it feels like you're drowning, like no matter what you try to occupy yourself with you can't help but feel a pain in yourself that is almost indescribable. It's so hard to go on with life like everything is fine when some days you just want to cry. You just want to pick up the phone and call him to hear his voice, to tell him you miss him, to tell him you love him, to hear him say all of those things back and ease the hurt.. but you can't. It doesn't work that way. So you suck it up and wait with your phone ringer on as loud as it goes because when it goes off at 6,7,8 am or 10,11 pm.. you answer it without hesitation.

Hearing Cameron's voice on the other side of that phone every few days is the biggest thing I look forward to. Calls can last anywhere between 5-20 minutes, honestly it's never the same but just to hear him say "Hey babe, how are you?" turns any day into the best day of the week, I had been doing really well not getting emotional when we talked, I would talk to him and then carry on with my day. Lately however, I can't seem to have a single conversation with him without ending the call with tears in my eyes and my heart in my stomach. 

I guess you could say it's the hormones, things have gotten progressively harder in the last 2 weeks with my pregnancy and I think both him and I can feel the tension when talking about it. I don't want to bring up how hard it actually is on my end because I don't want him to feel guilty or get depressed that he isn't here to help. He doesn't really know what to say because he isn't here to experience it, so when it comes to the baby.. conversations seem kind of.... on edge. But I know as soon as our Sweet Baby P arrives all of the tension, weirdness, and disconnect on both ends will melt away like butter. There is not a single doubt in my mind that Cameron is going to be the most amazing father (other than mine) and everything will fall perfectly into place. 

I never thought I could miss someone half as much as I miss him and I miss him more and more every day. I keep telling myself that each passing 24 hours will get better and most days I'm right. Most days it is easier to be in my bed alone...other days I sit in this bed, in this room that we share, and it's like being on the Atlantic Ocean and I'm in a row boat. 

Truthfully, I am so very thankful to have him and his support... even if it is from the other side of the world. As much as I wish he was home with me to go through this adventure by my side, I know he is where he needs to be. Missing him is hard, but loving him is easy.

Until next time,

Late night thoughts

Here we are at 20 Weeks and 6 days, 134 days until SJ is here. Over halfway done with this pregnancy, he's over halfway cooked and from now on we count down weeks from 20 instead of counting up. It seems like just yesterday I was staring at a test that said "pregnant" little did I know just how much that one word would change my world. 

I have been told over and over to cherish this time because it's over too quickly. At first I almost laughed in their faces... why would I want to continue throwing up all day, being exhausted, and getting fat.. why would I want to "cherish" the migraines, hormones, and joint pain... but all of those feelings changed as soon as I felt the first real kick at EXACTLY 20 weeks. 

I'm not going to lie and say I have LOVE being pregnant, because that's pretty inaccurate. However, I haven't HATED it either.. I've more just tolerated it knowing that once it's all over I'll have my sweet little potato looking human here in my arms. Once I felt his kicks and it was consistent.. not just "oh it's probably nothing" but strong kicks, I have LOVED every second of this adventure. I will find myself unconsciously stopping whatever I'm doing and just putting my hand on my stomach to feel it. I'll quit talking in the middle of a conversation and just "cherish the moment" because I know that it's fleeting. In 4 short months he will be out and my belly will be empty again, these kicks and feelings will be replaced with coos and crying. 

I almost feel bad admitting that it took me 5 months to finally cherish my pregnancy and embrace it, but honestly up until now I haven't really felt like a mom. I hadn't felt a strong emotional attachment other than during the ultrasounds when I could see he was there. So many times I've woken up just waiting for mother nature to appear and tell me that this was all a dream. SJ was wanted so badly but without Cameron here to experience anything with me I didn't really feel like it was happening, because it wasn't happening like I pictured. But as all of us adults know, life very rarely goes exactly according to plan. 

As I sit here and write down all my thoughts tonight, he's moving around and kicking like crazy. I've been attempting to write for about 45 minutes but keep getting distracted with every move he makes. I have never felt so in love with someone... and that's saying a lot because honestly when I said "I do" I could've sworn I would never love anyone half as much as I loved my husband but here I am 3 years later and not only more in love with this little person who is an amazing mix of both him and I but I'm even more in love with Cameron than I ever have been. Talking to him about SJ and hearing how excited he is to meet him is beyond words, all he talks about when he talks about coming home is holding him and he even said he would take the night shift for feedings the first night (we'll see how that actually pans out.) I just can't wait to have both of my boys home with me and for our little family to really be together. 

Now I'm going to get my butt to bed since now I'm just going to start rambling. 

Until next time,