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Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Late night thoughts

Here we are at 20 Weeks and 6 days, 134 days until SJ is here. Over halfway done with this pregnancy, he's over halfway cooked and from now on we count down weeks from 20 instead of counting up. It seems like just yesterday I was staring at a test that said "pregnant" little did I know just how much that one word would change my world. 

I have been told over and over to cherish this time because it's over too quickly. At first I almost laughed in their faces... why would I want to continue throwing up all day, being exhausted, and getting fat.. why would I want to "cherish" the migraines, hormones, and joint pain... but all of those feelings changed as soon as I felt the first real kick at EXACTLY 20 weeks. 

I'm not going to lie and say I have LOVE being pregnant, because that's pretty inaccurate. However, I haven't HATED it either.. I've more just tolerated it knowing that once it's all over I'll have my sweet little potato looking human here in my arms. Once I felt his kicks and it was consistent.. not just "oh it's probably nothing" but strong kicks, I have LOVED every second of this adventure. I will find myself unconsciously stopping whatever I'm doing and just putting my hand on my stomach to feel it. I'll quit talking in the middle of a conversation and just "cherish the moment" because I know that it's fleeting. In 4 short months he will be out and my belly will be empty again, these kicks and feelings will be replaced with coos and crying. 

I almost feel bad admitting that it took me 5 months to finally cherish my pregnancy and embrace it, but honestly up until now I haven't really felt like a mom. I hadn't felt a strong emotional attachment other than during the ultrasounds when I could see he was there. So many times I've woken up just waiting for mother nature to appear and tell me that this was all a dream. SJ was wanted so badly but without Cameron here to experience anything with me I didn't really feel like it was happening, because it wasn't happening like I pictured. But as all of us adults know, life very rarely goes exactly according to plan. 

As I sit here and write down all my thoughts tonight, he's moving around and kicking like crazy. I've been attempting to write for about 45 minutes but keep getting distracted with every move he makes. I have never felt so in love with someone... and that's saying a lot because honestly when I said "I do" I could've sworn I would never love anyone half as much as I loved my husband but here I am 3 years later and not only more in love with this little person who is an amazing mix of both him and I but I'm even more in love with Cameron than I ever have been. Talking to him about SJ and hearing how excited he is to meet him is beyond words, all he talks about when he talks about coming home is holding him and he even said he would take the night shift for feedings the first night (we'll see how that actually pans out.) I just can't wait to have both of my boys home with me and for our little family to really be together. 

Now I'm going to get my butt to bed since now I'm just going to start rambling. 



Until next time, 

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