"What I have with him is worth it. It is worth every lonely night, every tear I cry from missing him, and the pain I feel from not having him close. It is worth it because he is my one and only. When I picture myself years from now, I see only him. No matter how painful distance can be, not having him in my life would be worse."
Everyone will tell you the same thing, it comes in waves. Some times it's manageable to survive the day with smiles and dare I say "ease." Other days it feels like you're drowning, like no matter what you try to occupy yourself with you can't help but feel a pain in yourself that is almost indescribable. It's so hard to go on with life like everything is fine when some days you just want to cry. You just want to pick up the phone and call him to hear his voice, to tell him you miss him, to tell him you love him, to hear him say all of those things back and ease the hurt.. but you can't. It doesn't work that way. So you suck it up and wait with your phone ringer on as loud as it goes because when it goes off at 6,7,8 am or 10,11 pm.. you answer it without hesitation.
Hearing Cameron's voice on the other side of that phone every few days is the biggest thing I look forward to. Calls can last anywhere between 5-20 minutes, honestly it's never the same but just to hear him say "Hey babe, how are you?" turns any day into the best day of the week, I had been doing really well not getting emotional when we talked, I would talk to him and then carry on with my day. Lately however, I can't seem to have a single conversation with him without ending the call with tears in my eyes and my heart in my stomach.
I guess you could say it's the hormones, things have gotten progressively harder in the last 2 weeks with my pregnancy and I think both him and I can feel the tension when talking about it. I don't want to bring up how hard it actually is on my end because I don't want him to feel guilty or get depressed that he isn't here to help. He doesn't really know what to say because he isn't here to experience it, so when it comes to the baby.. conversations seem kind of.... on edge. But I know as soon as our Sweet Baby P arrives all of the tension, weirdness, and disconnect on both ends will melt away like butter. There is not a single doubt in my mind that Cameron is going to be the most amazing father (other than mine) and everything will fall perfectly into place.
I never thought I could miss someone half as much as I miss him and I miss him more and more every day. I keep telling myself that each passing 24 hours will get better and most days I'm right. Most days it is easier to be in my bed alone...other days I sit in this bed, in this room that we share, and it's like being on the Atlantic Ocean and I'm in a row boat.
Truthfully, I am so very thankful to have him and his support... even if it is from the other side of the world. As much as I wish he was home with me to go through this adventure by my side, I know he is where he needs to be. Missing him is hard, but loving him is easy.
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