It's okay to not be okay...

I've wanted to write about this subject for weeks now, but haven't figured out just what I wanted to say... or how to say it. I've used this blog as my outlet, my safe place to get out all of my thoughts and feelings without caring about who reads it. Here goes nothing... 

I've suffered from Postpartum Depression and Anxiety. It's such a taboo subject I feel like no one talks about it. I feel everyone just thinks they have to be okay, that they have to be strong for their spouses, their children, their friends. I never knew how many people actually struggle with it in some form, I also never knew how many people DON'T SAY ANYTHING... to anyone, even their doctors. But I was that person, I was ashamed of how I was feeling, so at my 6 week visit when we did the "worksheet" I lied. I thought to myself "it's just because you're a new mom, you are still adjusting, it'll get better once you've gotten used to it." I checked all the boxes you're supposed to check, I said all the right things, and I was on my way.

 I've written about my mental health before so it was not a huge surprise to me that I ended up with PPD. However, what PPD has done to my head is something completely new. I'm not the person I used to be, my personality is different, my rationalization is different, my emotions are all over the place. I'm told it'll pass, that it'll get easier and things will go back to normal... but I don't see any changes. I knew I needed to get help and on medication after night 5-6 of complete shut down. Cameron would get home from work, I would hand him the baby, make dinner, do dishes, and the thought of having to be "mom" would make me sick. I wouldn't talk, I wouldn't do anything but sit and cry. 

I haven't had thoughts of hurting myself or anyone else, and that's what I thought PPD was... I thought it was those moms who drown their babies, or drive off bridges with their families in the car, and I wasn't in that mindset at all. I was just hopeless. I have been in low places before but I've never felt continually hopeless, like there was no way things could get better, no way I could be happy again. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to do anything but sleep and cry. The only reason anything got done at all was because I knew my baby boy needed me, he needed his mom to get out of bed and go on. It was the hardest internal fight I've ever had. 

Cameron has been home 12 days, and I'm pretty sure I've cried all but 2 of them... I've accused him of having an affair (which I know isn't the case, but my brain works in mysterious ways) I've thought he was going to ship me to California alone because he didn't love me anymore, I've thought that he was going to divorce me because of my stretch marks. I have felt completely insane, I'm sure he thinks I'm completely insane.. But I'm working on getting myself help and becoming better. For him, myself, and most importantly for SJ. I'm confident that with all the steps  I am taking, and time I can get back to my old self and my relationship can get back to where it was before he left. 

Until Next time, 

317 days

317 is the number of nights away from home, the number of mornings we didn't wake up next to each other, but most important is that the number will not get any larger because MY HUSBAND IS HOME!!  I can't believe it's finally over. A year ago I decided to start this blog as a way to be creative while Cameron was in Iraq. It ended up being more a outlet for my pregnancy with SJ and a way to keep my mind clear while I was alone and my goodness did it help. There were even times I wrote posts and never published them (they were so scatterbrained and mostly just bullet points), just because it was nice to get all my thoughts out. 

I learned his homecoming date back in October and it was SO hard not to scream it from the rooftops that he was coming home... not only that, but he would be coming home the DAY BEFORE my birthday. Talk about a great gift. 

On the 3rd of November, the FRG put together a party and we got to make signs for our soldiers and that is when it really hit me that soon enough I wouldn't be along anymore. I carried on with my life as normal but counted down the days until he was back under the same roof with us. 

On the morning of the 18th SJ and I got up and finished cleaning up the house and making room for Cameron's things. I had really gotten used to having a whole closet to myself... we were tracking that they would be arriving at 4pm that day and we were taking our time with getting ready. Then I got a call from Cameron letting me know they were getting on a plane, I think that's when it really hit me that he was going to be in my arms THAT DAY! I got SJ dressed and put him down for his nap. He slept the ENTIRE time I got ready and actually allowed me to look decent. Team work! 

We left the house at 2 to head to the airport, my dad was following the flight online and when I called him from the road he informed me that the flight was AN HOUR EARLY! I was freaking out, thinking that there was no way we were going to get there, parked, and signs set up in time for them to land. We pulled into the base around 3 and lucky for us we had made it on time. We walked into the hangar and were greeted by friends and their families all waiting for the arrival of their loved ones. Looking at everyone and seeing the joy and excitement on their faces was the most amazing feeling. We were all there for the same reason, to make our families whole again. 

The doors to the hangar opened and we all funneled outside to see the plane on the flight path coming in to land. Screams, tears, and excitement filled the air and little feet ran around holding their signs waiting for moms, dads, uncles, aunts, etc to come walking off the plane and into their arms. Once the plane landed you could see the excitement of soldiers looking for their families through the windows. The second they started coming down the stairs everyone dispersed and went running into the arms of their heroes, back after 11 months. 

We were no exception, I watched Cameron get off the plane and when he got into the crowd he was lost for a moment. Once he found us he wrapped his arms around both SJ and I and we both started crying. There is no better feeling than welcoming home your soldier for the final time, knowing they are home to stay. 

That was 4 days ago, it has been a little weird getting back into the swing of things as a family. I'm still used to doing it all on my own I have to remember to step back and NOT micro manage him. It will take some getting used to and learning how to live together again, but for now I will just revel in the fact that we are a family again. 

SJ Two Months

Sleep:

Crib training will be the death of me I swear... it takes about two hours to actually get him to fall asleep, and he only sleeps in his crib if I put the contoured changing pad in there for him to sleep on. Once I think I have it he's awake in an hour, two hours tops. Then it starts the whole cycle all over. But I refuse to give up.. I mean it has to get easier right? He hates naps and basically only gets 3 hours of nap time during the entire day, and that's broken up into half hour chunks throughout the day.

Development:

He will copy my sounds and thinks it's the funniest thing when I pretend to eat his toes. He still hasn't gotten the whole laughing thing down but he makes lots of sounds and smiles all the time!

Eat:

He has slowed down on the eating which means I'm not CONSTANTLY hanging out (literally) with a baby on my boob. So that's fine by me.

SJ,

I can't believe you're getting so big! I swear I wake up some days and it's like I'm looking at a whole new person. You're so smart and fun to play with. Even when you're screaming, I look at you and you smile at me with that grin that takes up your whole face and all the frustration melts away. I can't wait until your daddy gets home and gets to know you, your snuggles are my favorite thing so much so that when I put you in your crib and you finally fall asleep I find myself missing you. I can't wait to see who you become as the next chapter of your life begins, there's never a dull moment being your momma. Here's to more milestones and excitement!

2 Month Photo Dump:

Until Next Time,

One Month (7 weeks)

Wowza! It's been a crazy hectic 7 weeks but I couldn't ask for anything better. My dad left last Tuesday after being here since day 10 of SJ's life and so I've slowly had to figure out how to run this mom life on my own. I've had breakdowns, I've had moments of insanity, my house isn't as spotless as I would like.. however when I get a smile from my sweet boy all of the tears and thoughts of "I have no freaking clue what I'm doing" disappear and I just melt into a puddle and it's all worth it.

I won't bore you with details of everything has gone on in the past 7 weeks (it hasn't been too exciting) but I will condense his little life into this post, and I'll be better at posting more often now that we have a semi-routine so I won't have to play catch up.

                                                                                                      Sleep:
SJ loves to snuggle, and he is so great at it. Although sometimes his need to love on momma makes it pretty difficult to make food for myself, let alone sweep and swiffer the floors (; I am pretty sure he is the worlds worst napper.. he doesn't sleep for more than an hour at a time and that's pushing it and it only happens about 2-3 times a day but he makes up for it at night. Little man sleeps like a champ from about 9:30-2am when we change his diaper and eat. Sometimes he gets up around 5-6am to eat and then he goes back down until about 8:30am so if we have to choose to sleep at night or take naps during the day- I'm gonna go with sleep at night.

Development:

 SJ has some CRAZY insane neck and leg muscles already and can sit and stand up with plenty of assistance and I'm pretty sure would crawl if he had the whole "move arms and legs at same time" knowledge. Everyday he amazes me more and more with his readiness to move. He LOVES his baby gym, he will sit under the mirror and animals and play for HOURS if I let him (:

Eat: 

He is gaining weight like a champ (I swear all he does is eat) and is wearing 0-3 clothes although some of them are still a little large. Breastfeeding is still a challenge but we are down to only supplementing about 6 oz (2oz after a feeding when I'm lacking on production) a day with formula so it's getting better everyday. I doubt he will ever be only breastfed but I'm a firm believer in fed is best- whether it's exclusively breastfeeding/formula/or supplementing when needed.

Bath time:

SJ LOVES bath time and with the Bloomin' bath it makes sink baths so much easier (and puts my mind at ease that he's comfy and safe) honestly if he's having a meltdown and nothing will calm him down... my go to remedy to relax him is a bath. Plus he always smells SOO good after!

My sweet little bear, oh how you're growing so fast right before my eyes. You are doing so many amazing things already I can't wait to see all that you accomplish in your many years to come. Having your smiles and love fills a void that I never even knew existed. For 9 months it was just me and you, and I was so nervous to share you with the world. Now that you're here with me all I want to do is show you off and let others fall in love with you as much as I have. I know your daddy wishes he could be apart of these first few months but he is where he needs to be and will be home with us so so soon and our little family will be whole once again. For now, daily skype dates and songs will have to do. I always knew that I wanted to be a mom more than anything in the world, but I never knew what complete joy and happiness it would bring me. Thank you baby boy for your unconditional love and for choosing me to be your momma.

Until next time,

Cameron's time home + SJ's Birth Story

I've written this out about 4 times, but nothing that I wrote seemed like enough. It was just facts, no emotion. How do you explain the sweetest most amazing moments in life through writing? Hopefully this rendition will do just that. 

My C-section was scheduled for August, 26th and Cameron was scheduled to be home on the 23rd. I anxiously awaited for the moment I got to have my husband back in my arms. I cleaned the house, from top to bottom and got everything ready for the arrival of both of my boys. 

August 22nd I got a call from Cameron, and it went something like this:
C: 11:22
P: okay... 
C: you have no idea what I'm talking about do you?
P: No,should I?
C: You should probably be at SLC Int. at 11:22 because I got an earlier flight

And right then I lost it, I about collapsed on the floor crying. We hung up and I started getting ready. That night my mom and I got to the airport about half hour early, sign in hand and I anxiously waited for him to come down the stairs. The moment I saw him, he collapsed at the top of the staircase and we both broke down in tears of pure joy. I've never felt more in love than at that moment (or so I thought) 

The next couple of days were a blur, we ate at our favorite places and relaxed just soaking up the few days left we had just the two of us. 

Friday morning we woke up at 4am to get ready to meet our little boy. 

We got to the hospital at 5:30 to start getting the show on the road for the 7:30 scheduled surgery time. After getting into the hospital gown, labs drawn, an IV in and Cameron got into his "outfit" we were ready. Around 7 our nurse came in and let us know that our surgery had been pushed due to an emergency C-Section and we would be going back around 9-9:30 instead.. GREEATTT I had been completely psyched out and finally pushed all my fears aside but once we were told we would be delayed... I was 10x more terrified. I went through every C-Section birth story I could find in the blogosphere trying to get myself calmed down and so I knew EXACTLY what to expect. Turns out that just scared me more than before. 

Around 9 the anesthesiologist came in and introduced herself and told me about how the spinal block was going to work. Honestly that was the ONLY thing I was afraid of, a needle to the back? No thank you. However, they wheeled me back into the OR.. I've never seen an OR before and I was a little disappointed it wasn't anything like you see on Grey's. They put the drape over my stomach so I couldn't see anything and then the anesthesiologist told me to roll over, at that moment I started shaking and crying uncontrollably. She was nice enough to give me some medication through my IV to calm my anxiety and Cameron rolled up a stool and told me to look at him, only him and to breathe with his breaths. The local anesthetic was given first and the next thing I knew, I couldn't feel the lower half of my body and it was go time.

Cameron wasn't sure he wanted too watch the surgery, but as soon as he saw the first cut he was hooked and snapping pictures of the entire thing. At 9:57am our little man entered the world and was screaming his little heart out. Hearing his cries for the first time was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard. They took him over and cleaned him up, Cameron cut the umbilical cord, and they wrapped him up and brought him to me. I've never felt so in love with Cameron (this time for real) seeing his tears and complete happiness when we met our little boy was the most emotional and fantastic feeling in the entire world. Within 15 minutes we were out of the operating room and in our recovery room with SJ. We must have just stared at him for hours, and even now, 3 weeks later I find myself staring at him. He is the most fantastic and amazing gift we could have ever asked for and although Cameron is gone he still skypes with SJ regularly and I blow up his phone with pictures all day long. I can't wait until our family is whole again. 


GRAPHIC IMAGES BELOW: If you're squeamish, definitely end your reading here.