Halloween Eve and the Haunted House

Oh my goodness tomorrow is Halloween! Where has time gone? I can't believe the end of the year is upon us. In just 3 short weeks I'll be 22 and then Thanksgiving, and before we know it CHRISTMAS! Okay, I'm getting a little ahead of myself.

So last night Cameron's dad, sister, and fiance decided to make me go to haunted house. Castle Of Chaos to be exact, and to say I was terrified scared would be the understatement of the year. These people can touch you and take you away from your group and pretty much torture you. I had psyched myself out to the max. Luckily, this house has levels. Level 1: you have a glowstick and they can't touch you or get too in your face or space (perfect for someone with ridiculous anxiety, like me) Level 2: The actors don't touch you, but they don't respect your personal space either. Level 3: They can touch you, FREAKING TOUCH YOU. My family did this one and I'm pretty sure I watched Katie get her face licked. BIG NOPE. Level 4: They can pick you up and MOVE YOU. They can separate you from your group, I watched freddy krueger pick one guy up and carry him around then pretty much put him in a chokehold and torture the guy. HUGGGE NOPE!

So overall with my wimpy wand I had a great time! I got to watch the others get scared and grabbed and touched, but my space wasn't invaded and my anxiety didn't creep up to high. Don't get me wrong, they still jumped out at me and yelled in my ear so it's not like I didn't get the scares you go to a haunted house for. We had a blast and I think that if I go again, I might be brave enough to do level 2... maybe.

You can see the sheer terror on my face before we got in there.

Tonight is Halloween Eve and I have a party with our family and friends. I wont be out too late because I have to get up early tomorrow to be in town by 9 to go to my concealed weapons class. I'm pretty excited to get my permit so it's worth being a party pooper tonight. I'm excited to hang out with everyone and have some good food.

I hope you all have a fun and safe Halloween! 

Pumpkin patch fun and pumpkin painting

GUYS! I can't believe Halloween is in 2 days! Between Halloween and Christmas, I can't contain my excitement about any of it! From October 1 - January 1 I am the happiest little lady west of the Mississippi. However, this year I haven't decorated for Halloween like I normall do. Usually my house has headstones out front and skull garland over the fireplace to accent the sugar skulls along the ledge. This year, none of that happened so I haven't really felt very "festive." That was until last night when we decided to take Parker to the pumpkin patch to pick them out and play through the corn pit and corn maze. It was a blast! I am still getting corn out of my shoes. 

Now I haven't been to a pumpkin patch since.... 3rd ish grade so I felt just as much like a child as the 9 month old we were toting around. It was amazing. Plus, pumpkins are 100x cheaper at the patch than they are at grocery stores. Seriously, I bought 3 pumpkins yesterday for 5 bucks. Why did I never do this before? It's insane, truly. 

We got home last night around 7 and made delicious mozzarella stuffed turkey balls. I have never been into the turkey meat craze but HOLY HANNAH they were delish! There were no leftovers last night in the Peterson House. Which I don't think has ever happened. After dinner we skyped with Cameron and Parker got to see his uncle blah blah. Boy was he happy to be able to see him and laugh at him. It fills my heart with so much love to see how Cameron is with a child who isn't even his, I can't wait to see how he is with our children one day. 

After Skype we gathered in the garage and started the pumpkin painting. Parker lasted about 5 minutes before he was cold, covered in paint, and pretty much over it. But the girls and I stayed up until about 10:30 finishing ours. I have never been so proud of a pumpkin in my life. 

Overall last night was an amazing way to welcome Halloween and tonight my in-laws are taking me to a haunted house. I am beyond terrified to go without Cameron (because he wont be able to point out all the scary guys) but it'll be fun.. I hope.

 I'll post on that tomorrow. Hope you all have a great Thursday. I will leave you with some pictures from last night. 

Little P was very excited to play at the patch.

First time on the slide... His hair kills me. 

The corn pit.. More ended up in his mouth than we would have hoped, but he had fun. 

Skype with Uncle Blah Blah

The mess that became my garage.

My pumpkin, that was extremely more detailed than I had anticipated.

Letting Go

So looking back on how my life has played out and the people and friends who were a part of it, I'm so overjoyed with the amount of love I have in my life. Whether it be from family or friends, I never have to question if I'm loved. 

However, looking back also leaves me with a somber feeling. There are so many people from my childhood and even into adulthood that I don't talk to anymore. I know that the chances of you remaining friends with the EXACT same group of people forever isn't usually how life plays out, however I miss the friendships I had. 

So to the friends that I hurt, I am truly sorry that I didn't try harder to make things right. I'm sorry for not calling often enough and for not fighting to keep our friendship in tact. I'm sorry I said things that I didn't mean, and most of all I'm sorry I hurt you in the worst way, emotionally. 

I don't expect anything from you, or for us to become friends again. I do hope that you know that I never meant to hurt you, I never meant for our friendship to diminish. I hope you can forgive me for the things that I did. I hope that you can move on and let go of our qualms. Above all else, what I hope for the most is that when you think of our friendship, you don't think of what went wrong or the things we fought about. Instead, I hope you think of the same things I do. I hope you think of our inside jokes, our late night adventures, and our heart to hearts that meant so much to the both of us at the time. 

I want you to know that I forgive you, I forgive you for the things you did, the words you said, and I forgive you for walking away. I honestly hope that life brings you nothing but happiness... I used to say that, but I never meant it. Honestly I used to hope you were miserable without me, and that you missed me just as much as I missed you. I truly hope that you find happiness and comfort, I hope that life is everything you ever wanted and more. Truly.

There are so many questions I wish I could ask you. Did you finish school like you had wanted? Have you fallen in love and started your happily ever after? So many other questions go through my mind, but those are questions I will most likely never get the answer to, and that is okay with me. I have let it go, I have let you go, but the memories we shared will stay with me forever. Thank you for being a part of my life no matter for how long, I will always miss you.

To the friends I have maintained, good job guys you made it! Honestly, it's quite impressive you haven't booted me yet! Thank you all for always being there for me. For being my shoulder to cry on and sometimes my sounding board for yelling and frustration. You have no idea how much you mean to me. You have been there for me when no one else was, and for that I am truly grateful. I'm so lucky to have the love and support you all give me and it just fills my heart with happiness. I hope you all know how much you mean to me. Even if we don't talk often, I know that I can call you and you'd be there and I hope you know you can always do the same. 

When all is said and done, I cannot change anything about my past. I cannot change who I was, but I can change who I am and who I become. Starting today, I choose to live with love in my heart and no ill will towards anyone. Life is too short to walk around with hate in your heart and negativity in your mind. 

So goodbye to the past and hello to the future! I wonder what life has in store for me next? I guess we will just have to wait and see.

On a completely unrelated note: I got the BEST sweatshirt yesterday, and I have to share it's greatness. Super soft and the best part, INEXPENSIVE! They make all different kinds (I got my best friend a Star Wars one for her birthday) check out the Etsy store here

I am obsessed with Harry Potter so I HAD to buy it

The Case of the Baked Good Bandit

Let me just preface this with... when Cameron is gone I am PARANOID! Every noise in my house means that I am not alone. Yeah I know it's pathetic, but you can thank my mom for making me watch all those crime shows when I was little. 

Over the last two days Rambo (my Australian Sheppard mix) has been freaking out. Under normal circumstances, this dog is ridiculously well behaved. Like you can stick 6 french fries on his nose and he doesn't get them until told, it's impressive. As of Sunday he had been taking my things outside and eating Parker's (new baby roommate) bottles amongst other things. I could not for the life of me figure out why he was regressing so badly, Cameron has left many times and NEVER has he acted out like this. 

Sunday I woke up to about 12 cupcakes missing, I assumed Cameron had taken them with him when he left. He didn't. Throughout the day Sunday more and more cupcakes had gone missing. A total of 16 in all. Racecar (my shitzu) did NOT get the cupcakes, because let's face it, he's too little to be apart of such shenanigans. I had decided that Rambo was acting out because of Cameron and that it was my fault for leaving the cupcakes on the counter. Sunday night I decided I wanted cookies, so I turned the oven on and made my famous pumpkin chocolate chip cookies (recipe here) 

Yesterday I got home from work and the cookies were, you guessed it, GONE! They were on a plate in the kitchen and somehow, Rambo (or someone/something else) got a hold of my cookies. Rambo and Racecar get put outside when I'm at work, so the cookies either went missing Sunday night and I didn't notice in my Monday morning haze OR someone is sneaking into my house to steal my baked goods. 

Last night at about 9:30 I was fed up with Rambo's antics and even told my husband I was going to sell him on the black market (not that I ever would, I was just hoping Rambo was listening to scare him.) Rambo had ran to the basement door and then proceeded to sniff and scratch the door. That dog NEVER goes downstairs.

Cameron then proceeded to tell me to check the basement and make sure the door leading outside was locked.

WHAT?! You mean to tell me you left me home virtually alone for a month and didn't even check to make sure I was SAFE! Pft no husband of the year award for you now! 

So with that, Kelsey (my normal sized roommate) and I grabbed my gun and we headed downstairs. I was wielding my weapon ready to charge, well until I started thinking about some random man setting up a hobo camp in my basement. 

So now that thought is gallivanting through my brain, I decided to give said man a chance to get out. I proceeded to yell:

"I am going to go outside for a few minutes, you have until I get back to exit the basement, no questions asked. If you do not leave I have a gun and I will use it." 

I also told him that if he really wanted my baked goods that badly, to ring my doorbell and ask. I'm a pretty nice person and wouldn't turn down a starving man at my door, especially if it keeps me alive.

We then went outside and called our friend DeeDee who decided to laugh at us because of our ridiculous CSI case and told us just to go downstairs and check. We had a gun after all. 

Finally after calling Cameron twice and waiting, he called back. I got made fun of a bit, then he made sure I went downstairs to check it out, while on the phone with him. Needless to say I went into the basement scared out of my mind and opened the door and turned on the light. I walked into the "bandit's lair" only to realize, the basement was not in fact turned into a hobo camp, or a scene out of Saw. The door however, was unlocked. Boy did that get fixed REAL QUICK. 

The strangest part of this entire "adventure" was that as soon as Rambo and I went and checked the basement out, he was RIGHT back to normal as if he hadn't been a huge pain in my rear for 2 days. I apologized to him for my idle threat about the black market and we headed to bed unharmed and he slept all night for the first night in two days. 

I don't know what was down there he felt needed to be taken care of, maybe he was just trying to warn me that the door was open and we weren't 100% safe. Either way, the house is once again locked up and we are all safe and sound. 

I was imagining this scene from "Saw"  when I was thinking about entering the basement, seriously, I have issues.

Until next time,

One month on my own

First off, I just want to thank you all for the positive feedback and insane amount of support I have gotten from everyone on this blog adventure. I mean seriously, people I haven't spoken to in YEARS wrote me messages of support and kindness. I can't even begin to tell you how much that means. I started this blog thinking I'd get 10 maybe 20 views over the entire time I was doing this. I looked this morning and more than 200 people have gotten on to read it. WHAT! 200 people? I don't even think I know 200 people! I'm still in such shock and full of gratitude to all of you who have shown support for me and Cameron during this journey. Whether it be reading this, reaching out, or sharing the blog, you have not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. So to everyone who is now following me THANK YOU!  You make my heart feel so full!

Now for the post of the day. 

Yesterday I said "see you soon" to Cameron, AGAIN. I swear that man is gone for training more then he is home these days. Lucky for me, this is the last time he will be gone until the deployment. Not so lucky for me, he is working a 12am-12pm shift so our communication time has been cut DRASTICALLY from what we are accustomed to. I guess it's a good trial run for how it will be while he is gone (time difference over there and all.) 

This time he is gone, he will be missing out on Halloween (THE BEST HOLIDAY EVER) and my birthday. We've never been apart for any holiday or special event so this is all new to us. Mostly, I think he's most upset that he wont be able to decorate the house for Halloween, because honestly we have some AWESOME decorations. 

I constantly ask myself the question "So Payge, (yes I talk to myself in the 3rd person) is there anything GOOD that comes out of him being gone?" Why yes, yes there is. ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST. I mean don't get me wrong there are other good things, like having the whole bed to myself (well myself and the dogs) or being able to dance around my house with my music blasting and not worrying about disturbing him, and nap time on Sunday without interruption, but overall the ice cream takes the top spot. 

Seriously though, having him gone is never easy and for some reason this time was even harder. I NEVER cry when he leaves. Usually, it's early in the morning and I just get up for about 45 seconds and give him a hug, a kiss, and send him on his way. This time however, he woke me up and I just SOBBED. What the hell emotion? Go back where you came from and leave me alone. I honestly couldn't give you a reason I was an emotional volcano, but for some reason I just couldn't help it. So I had all these grand plans to clean and organize my house and make it sparkle... but that did not happen. I napped and watched Disney movies instead... Oops, but seriously guys, have you SEEN UP? It's adorable and nearly IMPOSSIBLE to work through. So I didn't, and then Hocus Pocus was on and you DO NOT work through that, you just can't (regardless of how many times you've seen it... this month) there's just something about Bette Midler, SJP, and Kathy Najimy that "Put a spell on you" to where you are useless the entire time the movie is on, or is that just me?

Well, that's all for this Monday Morning. I hope all of you has a spooktacular weekend! 

The CUTEST countdown my Mother-In-Law made for my house! (I may have cried when I opened it)

It's not truly Halloween unless you watch "Hocus Pocus" (multiple times, of course)

Until next time,

Growing up a Non-LDS member in Utah.

My mom shared a post with me on facebook this week talking about how high school can be harder in Utah for people who aren't members of the LDS church.  Check it out here!

The post addresses a lot of issues that, growing up, were quite hard for me to fully understand. Truth is, high school was the EASIEST time for me to be Non-LDS. I moved from Southern California in the middle of 6th grade. Needless to say, it was tough for me to adapt not only to the COLD that Utah has to offer, but also the ONE question that everyone seemed to ask when I got here... "Oh are you Mormon?" Honestly as a 10 year old I didn't really know a lot about religion, I was not raised with a religious background in any way. When I would answer "No" I would get a mix of responses but the one response I got most often, also hurt the most. "You know that if you get baptized you'll be able to go to Heaven." WHAT?! This came from other children, my own age. Needless to say, I came home from school that day in tears asking my mom what they meant. 

Now in no way am I saying that these kids or the LDS community are not good people, they simply were relaying what they were taught and honestly thought they were helping me. 

My mom sat down and explained everything to me that night, how other religions work and a small summary of what they each believe in. The hardest part of growing up in Utah was the fact that some of my friends weren't allowed to come to my house. My father smoked and they used that as a reason, but deep down I think I knew, even at a young age, that these friends parents did not want them going to someones house who was not apart of their religion.

Slowly, I got over the comments and learned to ignore them. As I have gotten older, the comments have slowed down. I still get asked "Well you live in Utah, so you must be Mormon." When I reply that I am not, people seem almost stunned. 

Through middle school and into high school I was lucky enough to find a group of friends who were accepting of me. Some were Mormon and went to church on Sundays, some did not. We all loved each other regardless of what we believed in, we actually hardly talked about religion. Because honestly, talking about boys was more fun than talking about what was going on at Young Women's or church that week. I did try out the LDS church, I went to Young Women's with friends and I even went to church a couple times on Sunday. That was because it was MY choice, I wanted to see how it was and what went on during those times, never once did my friends make me feel like I HAD to go or that our friendship was at risk because of it.

I am so incredibly thankful for the group of girls I surrounded myself with through those pivotal years in my life. Without them I honestly would have had a much harder time growing up in Utah. I realize that some people never get that group, some people never quite fit in with the social "norm" and for them I truly hope that they understand there is NOTHING wrong with them. 

Just because you don't fit society's mold of what your beliefs and your life should be like, doesn't mean that you are living incorrectly. 

The great thing about living in America is that we are diverse. We are not forced to believe something just because one person says it's true. We have to opportunity to choose for ourselves what we want out of this life without a predestination set for us on how we should think or how we should act. 

So I guess my final thought for this post is to be who you are, don't try to change to fit in or be accepted. Because, as I have grown into adulthood I have learned that it honestly doesn't matter. People aren't always going to like you, and that is OKAY! Just be the best version of yourself you can be and brush the negative people to the side. 

I'll leave ya'll with this great picture that I found by looking for images on diversity. I saw all the normal pictures with the world, and people holding hands around it... but following suit of this post I am posting a picture that is NOT a normal diversity picture, but works just as well, if not better!

Until next time,

Dealing with news of deployment.

So I’ve tried this “blog” thing a couple times and just haven’t been able to grasp it, mostly because I’ve never had anything to say. I know that no body is even reading this, nor do I expect anyone to but I figured this time i have some things to get off my chest that would just simply be easier to put into words than saying out loud. Here is where I shall document the journey ahead of me in life, a lot is going on over the next couple years so I might as well keep a log of some sort. So here goes nothing.. 

Last night it finally hit me. As Cameron was putting his Kevlar helmet together, sizing it to him so it fit just right.. “He’s actually leaving.” With that I broke down, I finally let myself cry about it. I have 90 (give or take a couple weeks) days left with my husband, one month of that he will be in Kentucky for training, so I technically have 60 (ish) days left. 60 days to come home to him, to go to sleep with him by my side, to hold his hand and to see his smile. 3 months until our lives change completely, but only 2 together. 

We have been extremely lucky. It’s been 5 years we have been together and the “D” word has barely been brought up. I knew what I signed up for when I said “I do” and I knew this was just a game of duck, duck, goose. We had been the ducks for so long, getting passed up each time a deployment would come up. However, this time, we are the geese. 

I’m not sure if my reaction when I first heard he was leaving was “normal.” I looked at him and asked if he was serious. Yes I did cry, but I quickly got over it and continued packing for our camping trip that would take place the next day. He had been wanting to get deployed for the last 5 years. This year he finally stopped caring. We had other plans, he was going to finish his degree, commission into the navy and our lives were going to continue in a new place. There was no way he was getting deployed now. Not with everything we had going for us.

 I’ve spent the last… 3 ½ months sitting in denial. The weeks long training, the lists upon lists of things he needs to take with him when he goes, all of it was not real. Not until he put that helmet on did it hit me, and BOY DID IT HIT ME. 

All I could think about was, "this could be it." Our goodbye at the beginning of next year could be final, it could even be the last goodbye we have.. ever. As much as I try to keep that fear from looming around my brain and wearing me down, it’s constantly popping into my head and threatening tears at the drop of a hat. As someone who has suffered from depression and anxiety for the majority of my life, I can usually keep myself together, because that is what I've trained my brain to do... So often I tell myself "hold it together" or "things could always be worse, you don't need to be upset." But with something as major as this, I cannot just put it aside and not worry about it. I don’t get to just turn it off (as much as I wish I could) I have tried to stay away from the news such as CNN simply because any time I see that something has happened overseas or to one of our many soldiers, I picture him. I picture the men in dress uniform showing up at my door to tell me that the only man I’ve ever loved is no longer here on this earth to love me back. 

Lucky for me, I am not alone. I have friends, and family to help hold me together. It will not be easy being “by myself” for a year, but I’ll be damned if I will let this break me. It will be hard at times, that i know. Yet somehow I know that things will be okay. We will be okay. HE will be okay. He will come back to me, he will come back for me..

Until next time,