So I’ve tried this “blog” thing a couple times and just haven’t been able to grasp it, mostly because I’ve never had anything to say. I know that no body is even reading this, nor do I expect anyone to but I figured this time i have some things to get off my chest that would just simply be easier to put into words than saying out loud. Here is where I shall document the journey ahead of me in life, a lot is going on over the next couple years so I might as well keep a log of some sort. So here goes nothing..
Last night it finally hit me. As Cameron was putting his Kevlar helmet together, sizing it to him so it fit just right.. “He’s actually leaving.” With that I broke down, I finally let myself cry about it. I have 90 (give or take a couple weeks) days left with my husband, one month of that he will be in Kentucky for training, so I technically have 60 (ish) days left. 60 days to come home to him, to go to sleep with him by my side, to hold his hand and to see his smile. 3 months until our lives change completely, but only 2 together.
We have been extremely lucky. It’s been 5 years we have been together and the “D” word has barely been brought up. I knew what I signed up for when I said “I do” and I knew this was just a game of duck, duck, goose. We had been the ducks for so long, getting passed up each time a deployment would come up. However, this time, we are the geese.
I’m not sure if my reaction when I first heard he was leaving was “normal.” I looked at him and asked if he was serious. Yes I did cry, but I quickly got over it and continued packing for our camping trip that would take place the next day. He had been wanting to get deployed for the last 5 years. This year he finally stopped caring. We had other plans, he was going to finish his degree, commission into the navy and our lives were going to continue in a new place. There was no way he was getting deployed now. Not with everything we had going for us.
I’ve spent the last… 3 ½ months sitting in denial. The weeks long training, the lists upon lists of things he needs to take with him when he goes, all of it was not real. Not until he put that helmet on did it hit me, and BOY DID IT HIT ME.
All I could think about was, "this could be it." Our goodbye at the beginning of next year could be final, it could even be the last goodbye we have.. ever. As much as I try to keep that fear from looming around my brain and wearing me down, it’s constantly popping into my head and threatening tears at the drop of a hat. As someone who has suffered from depression and anxiety for the majority of my life, I can usually keep myself together, because that is what I've trained my brain to do... So often I tell myself "hold it together" or "things could always be worse, you don't need to be upset." But with something as major as this, I cannot just put it aside and not worry about it. I don’t get to just turn it off (as much as I wish I could) I have tried to stay away from the news such as CNN simply because any time I see that something has happened overseas or to one of our many soldiers, I picture him. I picture the men in dress uniform showing up at my door to tell me that the only man I’ve ever loved is no longer here on this earth to love me back.
Lucky for me, I am not alone. I have friends, and family to help hold me together. It will not be easy being “by myself” for a year, but I’ll be damned if I will let this break me. It will be hard at times, that i know. Yet somehow I know that things will be okay. We will be okay. HE will be okay. He will come back to me, he will come back for me..
Until next time,
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