Late night thoughts

Here we are at 20 Weeks and 6 days, 134 days until SJ is here. Over halfway done with this pregnancy, he's over halfway cooked and from now on we count down weeks from 20 instead of counting up. It seems like just yesterday I was staring at a test that said "pregnant" little did I know just how much that one word would change my world. 

I have been told over and over to cherish this time because it's over too quickly. At first I almost laughed in their faces... why would I want to continue throwing up all day, being exhausted, and getting fat.. why would I want to "cherish" the migraines, hormones, and joint pain... but all of those feelings changed as soon as I felt the first real kick at EXACTLY 20 weeks. 

I'm not going to lie and say I have LOVE being pregnant, because that's pretty inaccurate. However, I haven't HATED it either.. I've more just tolerated it knowing that once it's all over I'll have my sweet little potato looking human here in my arms. Once I felt his kicks and it was consistent.. not just "oh it's probably nothing" but strong kicks, I have LOVED every second of this adventure. I will find myself unconsciously stopping whatever I'm doing and just putting my hand on my stomach to feel it. I'll quit talking in the middle of a conversation and just "cherish the moment" because I know that it's fleeting. In 4 short months he will be out and my belly will be empty again, these kicks and feelings will be replaced with coos and crying. 

I almost feel bad admitting that it took me 5 months to finally cherish my pregnancy and embrace it, but honestly up until now I haven't really felt like a mom. I hadn't felt a strong emotional attachment other than during the ultrasounds when I could see he was there. So many times I've woken up just waiting for mother nature to appear and tell me that this was all a dream. SJ was wanted so badly but without Cameron here to experience anything with me I didn't really feel like it was happening, because it wasn't happening like I pictured. But as all of us adults know, life very rarely goes exactly according to plan. 

As I sit here and write down all my thoughts tonight, he's moving around and kicking like crazy. I've been attempting to write for about 45 minutes but keep getting distracted with every move he makes. I have never felt so in love with someone... and that's saying a lot because honestly when I said "I do" I could've sworn I would never love anyone half as much as I loved my husband but here I am 3 years later and not only more in love with this little person who is an amazing mix of both him and I but I'm even more in love with Cameron than I ever have been. Talking to him about SJ and hearing how excited he is to meet him is beyond words, all he talks about when he talks about coming home is holding him and he even said he would take the night shift for feedings the first night (we'll see how that actually pans out.) I just can't wait to have both of my boys home with me and for our little family to really be together. 

Now I'm going to get my butt to bed since now I'm just going to start rambling. 

Until next time, 

20 Weeks

How far along: 20 Weeks(4 1/2 months down and 4 1/2 to go!)

Gender:Boy (we double checked at our ultrasound)

Weight gain: 0 lbs... yep you read that correctly.. since I lost 8-10 pounds between weeks 6-14 I am just now reaching the weight I was when I got pregnant.. ALL in my belly so I'm all evened out.

Maternity clothes: Yes on tops and I LOVE my pinkblush.com dresses from my MIL 

Stretch marks: Yeah... learning to embrace the tiger stripes

Belly button in or out: In.. I honestly don't think I will ever be able to answer out.. 

Sleep: Not until about 12-1am when my hip pain subsides

Best moment this week: I have more than one! 1: Our 20 week ultrasound was this week and we got to see our little banana! Cameron got to FaceTime with us and see SJ moving around.. he was being super stubborn so we didn't get a super good shot of his face. 2: HE MOVED!!!! I can finally feel his kicks and BOY are they insane. The first time I felt it, I called Kelsey and just cried to her.. 3: BOOBS! these bad boys came in over night and 'hopefully' they're here to stay. (;

Worst moment this week: This weekend was miserable, thanks hormones for sticking me in a funk where I literally lay in bed and watch Netflix for 48 hours.. but i suppose it happens.

Miss anything: Deli meat, sushi

Movement: YES! Everywhere

Cravings: Still milkshakes, and Italian food (pastas, pizzas, etc)

Queasy or sick: Not this week, maybe i'll be safe now.. either way i'm still taking my medication every night like my life depends on it.

Looking forward to: My dad will be here next Tuesday!!! 

The best profile we could get and my AMAZING tech tried for an extra 10 minutes past my appointment to get it. 

The quality is a little fuzzy, the connection is pretty up and down BUT look at that smile... he's already such an amazing daddy and SO proud.

Until next time,

Weekend Shenanigans

This weekend (Friday included) was so much fun. Since being pregnant I hadn't gone out to do a whole lot. Well that changed this week, I actually got out Wednesday-Saturday EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. I know, huge accomplishment.

Friday, my husband helped me pick out a new laptop! Even from half way across the world he can still make me the happiest girl in the world. So I now am able to write this post from the comfort of my bed as my ever growing belly makes it harder to sit on the desktop in the kitchen area. So needless to say, I'm obsessed. Friday was also my good friends birthday so I took the dogs and went over there Friday night for some socialization (both me and the pups), a fire, AND s'mores! It was a really good night.

Saturday, I went out to Thanksgiving Point with Kelsey and Parker. We got lunch and OH MY GOSH.. I had one of the best burgers I'd eaten in a long time. Plus we scored a piece of chocolate raspberry cake that was just to DIE for! Then we headed over to the show barn to check out some of the home decor they had for sale. We didn't end up buying anything but we DID end up going to the farm.. It was a BLAST to take P to see all the animals, he fell in love with the bunnies, sheep, and goats. I am BEYOND hormonal with this pregnancy.. I saw a baby cow and legitimately started tearing up because it was just THAT CUTE! But I would have to say, the best part of my entire weekend was getting to facetime with Cameron for the first time in... a while. 

So overall it was such a fun day, even with getting stuck in the torrential downpour. 

Until next time,

19 Week Bump

How far along: 19 Weeks

Gender:Boy (:

Weight gain: I still haven't bought a scale but with how large the belly is getting I know I'm gaining some!

Maternity clothes: Yep! 

Stretch marks: Yep ):

Belly button in or out: In

Sleep: Once I finally get to sleep I can sleep through the night

Best moment this week: I got a new laptop to replace my old one that fried... 3 years ago. 

Worst moment this week: Still haven't received any letters Cameron sent.. Pretty sure the mail ate them..

Miss anything: Deli meat, BEER

Movement: Little flutters and i can feel which side he is laying on.. but no big kicks yet.

Cravings: Milkshakes!

Queasy or sick: Yep!

Looking forward to: Next Thursday when I get new pictures of our growing little man.

Until next time,

10 Things Deployment Has Taught Me:

Not only is this the first deployment Cameron and I have been through together... I'm also pregnant. I've heard the phrase "Get pregnant, you'll find out who your friends are." Honestly, truer words have never been spoken. I don't think this just goes for pregnancy but any hard time you go through. Your true friends show their light when you get stuck in the dark. 


So here are the 10 things I've learned from this deployment thus far:

• How to be strong on my own and to count on myself:

I've learned how to be happy and validated on my own, I know that I am enough and I don't need anyone else to tell me that. I'm a freaking great person and if you have chosen to miss out on that, you're also choosing to miss out on SJ who I already can tell is twice as awesome as I am.  It was when I had a small mental breakdown back in early March and had a impromptu road trip to California did I realize I don't need anyone in our lives who doesn't want to be here. If you said you would be there for me and haven't been, I'm talking to you. You don't get to run away when things get rough and come back into our lives when it's fun again. Sorry. I am just fine with the few friends I have because they've proven to be the ones who will never leave. 

• How to fend for myself:

Honestly I didn't know how to pay bills or money management before Cameron left. Every month he would tell me what we could spend and when I needed to be careful with swiping the card. Now I know exactly what money goes where every paycheck and what I need to do with the rest of it. Granted the first couple months have been hard due to some overseas spending (; but now that everyone will have presents I should be caught up and moving money into savings really soon. 

• Don't sweat the small stuff:

If I am in the middle of folding laundry when Cameron calls you bet your rear end that I am leaving that pile of laundry on the couch to answer the call. It can wait. Also, little things around the house that break or stop working isn't the end of the world. Telling your spouse when they are half way around the world will do nothing but worry them because they can't do anything to fix it. Our oven handle broke, it was a simple fix and  not even a big deal. I chose to fix it myself and tell Cameron AFTER the fact the hilarious story of it breaking on me and me almost falling on my ass because it popped off. 

• You're allowed to cry:

I didn't want to be "that girl" who can't handle her husband being gone. Then I thought about it. We say goodbye to our significant others for countless months and as dark as it sounds, we aren't guaranteed that they'll come home. We deal with dropped calls, crappy internet connections which make skype almost impossible, and my personal favorite quote ever.. "I can't tell you" when answering any question regarding the mission they're sent on.. So yes, it's definitely justifiable to cry. However, you'll be shocked at how "okay" you end up being. 

• Some of the GREATEST people you will ever meet are the other spouses:

 You're going to have to go out of your comfort zone and go to that FRG meeting or that MCU picnic but you'll be surprised how easy it is to talk to them once you try. I personally had NO interest in meeting ANYONE new but by some grace of god while I was in California "finding myself" I was added to the facebook group for the wives and spouses.. I sucked it up, stepped out of my box, and volunteered myself to go early and help set up for the Easter potluck. I am SO glad I did because I met some really great people and if we are being honest, it's nice to be able to talk to someone else who is in your shoes as well. You'll be surprised at the bonds and friendships you make with these people almost instantly. It's a sisterhood not everyone understands and I couldn't be more appreciative of the women I've become friends with. 

• Everyone has their own battles they're dealing with:

I was sooo pissed the first time I saw someone post on Facebook about missing their husband while he was out of town for a couple months but still got to visit. However, I remember when I was in those shoes missing my husband when he was gone for a month of training. Just because my situation is unique and what I feel "more difficult," doesn't give me the right to disregard their feelings. 

• Your marriage/life does not stop because he's gone:

Quite honestly, you have to work harder to keep it alive. You spend hours on care packages, writing letters with JUST the right things to say. Hell, sometimes you'll feel like you're married to an invisible person. Just remember he is removed from the civilian world, he has his own issues that you can’t give advice on, because you don't know what it is he needs to hear or what he really needs to do. In those situations I've learned the best thing to do is apologize that they're in that situation and let them know you believe in them and know they are capable of resolving the problems even if you can't relate to the problem itself. Just little words of encouragement go a LONG way. When he comes home, you don't just go back to how things were. You've developed your routine as a lone ranger and chances are he's not going to sleep right because your bed is going to be WAY to soft. It'll take adjusting. 

• Going to weddings/birthdays by yourself:

Yeah, it blows when you RSVP for 1... you go to a wedding for a mutual friend and wish so much that your spouse was there with you. You spend the days before really deciding if it's worth going to alone and facing the terror of your security blanket being gone. However, you take pictures with the bride and groom, you stay even longer than you anticipated because you're actually enjoying yourself. Don't miss out on opportunities because you're embarrassed or scared to be by yourself. EMBRACE IT! Dance like no ones watching because no one really is.. they're too focused on the birthday girl, or the bride and groom. Have fun and don't be afraid to admit you're having fun without him. 

• Step out of your comfort zone:

If you are anything like I am... you are terrified of doing ANYTHING alone. Hell there was a time I wouldn't even go to the mall without a friend with me. Now, I take myself on dates, I go to the mall, I go on walks, all on my own. I'm also not great at asking for help or to go to lunch with someone, I'm very much that person who thinks that secretly I'm bothering people.. then I see them weeks (or months) later and they ask "why are you never around" I've learned sometimes you can't wait to be invited, sometimes you have to invite yourself. Go to lunch with a friend you haven't seen in a while. Go get your nails done on your own because you can. You are a strong INDEPENDENT person and your spouse will LOVE that you aren't just sitting on the couch, eating oreos, and crying watching The Notebook for the third day in a row. Plus, it'll help your mental state QUITE A BIT. 

• You will make it through this:

It's hard  to have half of your heart gone, but loving him is the easiest thing you've ever done. Cameron was in the military long before we started dating 6 years ago.. I knew what I was signing up for, I knew I could've walked away and avoided all the heartache.. but I never wanted to. Hearing his voice say he loves me and the letters I get to reread when times get hard make it all worth it. People will say they admire you and don't know how you wait for him, but you know there isn't any other choice. Because you would rather wait 100 years for him then spend a single day with anyone else. 

So, if your spouse is deployed and you're having a hard time.. You will make it through this. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Keep going. 

Until next time,

Catching up... Q&A and Care Package Reveal

So I've done two posts tonight, one is my update and this will be a Q&A about my pregnancy and the reveal of my first Care Package. To be honest the reason I haven't been so into posting is because not a whole lot is going on.. or at least I don't think anything blog worthy. I've decided to post a little bit more about how I'm dealing with the deployment being on my own AND knocked up because I know I'm not the only one who has gone through it and I know I'm not the last (: It's not always easy but I know it'll be worth it. 

Now that I'm almost halfway through my pregnancy (WHAT?!) I found some really good prompts while pinteresting, along with some questions and comments I get on my own. Hopefully this will answer everything (:

But you're still young:

A lot of people have told me to "wait" that "you should see the world" and all that jazz. Trust me, I thought long and hard about all of the sacrifices before hand. On the other side, I also thought about the light in my babes eyes when we take him to Disney for the first time, the first time he sees the ocean, Christmas lights and school plays... It's not that I wont be able to see the world.. I'm just seeing it in another point of view. My son is already my world and if I never went further than family visits to California for the rest of my life, I would be fine with that.. because the love and bond you have with your children is worth more than any trip you could ever take.

Being pregnant while Cameron’s gone:

Yeah, being 5 weeks pregnant when we said goodbye in the SLC airport was by far one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. Mostly because no one else knew we were pregnant so we couldn't really talk about it. I did get to go to Nashville in February and that goodbye was bittersweet because I felt my heart being ripped out all over again but this time I felt more secure when he talked to my belly and told our little guy goodbye as well. I've had my bouts of depression where I don't know how I'm going to make it without him through this whole pregnancy and then some... but also when I'm sitting alone in my bed at 2am missing the warmth of my husband next to me I have a sweet reminder that not all of him is gone. I try to look at the bright side of things as much as possible.. It doesn't always go that way but honestly I don't know ANYONE who is happy 24/7. As Hannah Montana said.. "everybody makes mistakes, everybody has those days" yep I went there. I am most excited for Cameron to meet his son after being gone for so long, I not only get to see him and get my first kiss all over again but I get to see his face as he holds our little boy. It's something that the thought of already makes me teary eyed. 

Were you surprised by your pregnancy?

Yes and No... We had been actively trying for a while...You know, ovulation kits, tracking days, basal body temperature, doing anything and everything I read about online to "help get pregnant." Well none of it worked. We learned in July that Cameron was being deployed at some point in the near-ish future and continued really trying until about November. I had decided to quit my job, go to phlebotomy classes, and work in a hospital while Cameron was gone. I was perfectly satisfied with just getting that all done and doing my own thing for the first time ever. Granted I've lived out of my parents house since I was 18 but aside from the couple months a year Cameron was gone I was never "on my own" so I was kind of looking forward to doing that. Lets just say when people tell you to "stop trying" to get pregnant.. they know what they're talking about. I know it's a LOT harder than they make it seem so I will never be one of those people who tells someone to "stop wanting it" because it we are honest.. I never stopped wanting a baby, I just became content in waiting. So yes I was surprised it had finally happened but no I was not surprised that I could be pregnant.

How I feel about "Glowing":

Honestly I get this comment quite a bit and I don't see the "glow" everyone talks about.. but I love being told I'm glowing because 99.99% of the time I am told that... I'm nauseated and feel like a baby orca. So thanks guys! 

Belly Rubbing:

Quite honestly it weirds me out a bit.. I don't HATE it but it does make me kind of uncomfortable because it just makes me feel fat. I don't so much mind family doing it but I think if a stranger tries I'll have an internal anxiety attack. I also kind of feel like Buddha.

Meanest things I've been told:

 "Are you sure it's Camerons?" Seriously? You're really going to ask me that... I was 5 weeks when he left.. I'm sure it's his.. 

"You shouldn't have done this while he is gone" Well thanks for your unbelievable support.. It's not like us trying to get pregnant was a secret and I had been trying for almost a year.. Trust me if I could've chosen when I got knocked up.. it would have been LAST year when we STARTED trying. I would've saved myself a lot of tears when the word "Negative" popped up month after month. 

Cameron's role while being gone:

Even with him gone... I have never felt like he wasn't supportive or uninterested. I honestly think he would rather talk to SJ than to me! Every time we talk he asks how our little man is doing and checks on him. He has sat up numerous nights worrying about me and our babe. I've even been grounded from any physical labor because I spotted last week and now he refuses to let me do anything on my own for fear of risking SJ (honestly I think it's adorable how much he cares) He tries to be around for all of my appointments so that way I can either message him after or he can skype during it. I don't think there is a single thing he could do differently  to make me feel "more supportive." SJ and I are so lucky! 

In Other News:

I have been dying to share the care package I made for Cameron.. But I couldn't risk him seeing it before it arrived. Well he received it today and he said "I haven't opened it yet but the customs sheet says play-dough and I am SO excited." Yep I'm wife of the year because I sent my husband play-dough (he's 27 by the way) oh I love that man. 

The care package has two layers, the layers consist of:

Bottom layer:

Play-Doh- For when boredom strikes

Robins eggs: because he loves them

Beef Jerky: Again because he loves it

Easter confetti grass

Top layer:

Robins eggs

Goldfish:because we can go through a huge bag in one sitting together

Oreo's: Because he always buys me new flavors.. I'm not kidding he bought me 3 packs of the reese's ones one time.

A Camo sweatshirt easter bunny ear wearing sock monkey: Because he HATES stuffed animals (;

A box of fortune cookies: Because they are MY favorite thing in the world. 

A card: I found said card at wal-mart and sat in the aisle and cried because it was too perfect. 

Lastly,  a picture I took specifically for him to take on deployment: 

Thanks for reading my catch up/Q&A post... make sure to follow my Instagram if you don't already, I post there quite often (: 

Until next time,

18 Week Bump

How far along: 18 Weeks

Gender: Still a little man!

Weight gain: Not sure anymore.. I'm sure I'm finally gaining some

Maternity clothes: Yes. In this picture I'm in both Maternity pants and a maternity shirt. Serious Target is my fave!

Stretch marks: Unfortunately the little buggers have come to play

Belly button in or out: In

Sleep: Finally sleeping a little better now that I've trained myself to sleep on my side.

Best moment this week: Getting SJ's crib and getting my DREAM maternity dress from my sweet MIL. 

Worst moment this week: Throwing up in aisle 7 at smith's... not my proudest moment. I have the nose of a bloodhound and it is not a fan of the laundry detergent/scented fabric softener aisle.

Miss anything: Deli meat, I HATE ham... HATE HATE HATE ham.. Yet all SJ seems to want is a Kneaders Ham sandwich with honey mustard.

Movement: Little flutters and i can feel which side he is laying on.. but no big kicks yet.

Cravings: SLURPEES from 7-11... pizza...hummus... and pretty much anything that involves dessert

Queasy or sick: OH YES. I'm on medication to keep me functional.. I forgot to take it a couple weeks back and I was bedridden the next day unable to even look at food without getting sick. If you have the same problem I HIGHLY suggest talking to your OB about Diclegis!

Looking forward to: Seeing my little babe on the 14th for our 20 week scan! 

Until next time,